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Breast Obsessed: Positive Aspects

The male half of mankind has a well-deserved, bad reputation for being obsessed with breasts. This obsession has a long list of negative consequences, such as blatant ogling in public, complete loss of memory and intelligence in the presence of cleavage, and causing an untold number of unnecessary plastic surgeries. This how-to article contains suggestions about how men can use their natural obsession with breasts to take advantage of some positive applications.

I need to apologize for two things up front: 1) I am writing from a male perspective and 2) I love breasts. (Hm. I guess that since those two are virtually equivalent, perhaps that only counts as one apology.) I also should mention that I had severe misgivings about submitting this story under my usual author name, so I almost invented an alias for the occasion. The rest of my stories are very relationship-oriented, with male characters who do not act like cads and beasts; that's the real me most of the time. Obviously, the thoughts described in this how-to guide have crossed my mind, but I have taken some literary license to emphasize a portrayal of single-minded obsession. After reading this, please don't discount the caring and sensitivity of my other stories. I only think like this on rare occasions… maybe once a month. On second thought, perhaps a couple of times a week. On third thought, maybe several times a day. Actually, I'll just stop before get into any further trouble!

BUYING PRODUCE: Let's face it; for most guys, the grocery store produce aisle is not our natural habitat. I have discovered a technique for choosing produce, however, that is fun and effective: I have found that the best corn-on-the-cob tends to have high-moisture kernels, making them heavy for their size. (I cordially invite any professional food technologists in the audience to contribute an official explanation.) Now as a technical type of person, I could try to intellectually figure out which ears have the greatest density. Instead, I realized that while holding an ear of corn in each hand, it is much more enjoyable to imagine cupping my hands under breasts. I feel their delicious heft and can instinctively recognize which feel like the ripe, full breasts I'd like to take home with me. Just like with breasts, you shouldn't look for the biggest or the heaviest, just the ones that feel right. My evaluation is that this picks the best produce ninety-nine percent of the time for corn-on-the-cob and ninety percent of the time for oranges. You can try this on melons or other produce at your own risk. The danger is that some female shopper will recognize the far-away look in your eyes and have you tossed out of the store for being a pervert.

MOTIVATING LAUNDRY: If my wife is running late in the morning, she occasionally asks me to iron her clothes for her. This is just the sort of favor that tends to get repaid with good sex at night. As I'm ironing her blouse or sweater, I always pay special attention to making sure they look good around the bustline, which can be a complicated geometrical challenge on a flat ironing board. The payoff is that if she looks in the mirror and decides her breasts look good, she feels good during the day and sexy when we get home. Furthermore, I'm happy to give her an edge over her male co-workers — a good-looking set of breasts is a deadly weapon for distracting her competitors and encouraging cooperation from her supporters.

PERSONAL FITNESS: When I happen to be transported by the sight of a beautiful woman walking down the street, my first thought (well, maybe my third or fourth thought) is that I damn well am going to continue working out and getting in shape, so that I might similarly look as hot and interesting to the women of the world. Once in the gym, of course, the situation just gets better, with many female patrons wearing form-fitting workout clothes. Furthermore, the marvelous aerobic exercise inventions called treadmills, steppers, and elliptical machines have an excellent secondary effect of keeping the bouncing boobs in the same location, making it easy to keep an eye on them with brief glances or distant “I'm absorbed in my workout” gazes without the tell-tale head-swivelling of girl-watching in the more dangerous outdoor habitat. Also, like a good jolt of caffeine or adrenaline, in the gym, the sight of a sexy, athletic female is a sure-fire performance enhancer.

DRIVING SAFELY: For some reason I can't quite identify, the public revelation that I find to be the most embarrassing of all is that I am on particularly good safety behavior when my eye is caught by the shapely breasts of a pedestrian. This may seem counter-intuitive, since many men would become much less cautious about watching traffic and other hazards to fix their eyes on the objects of their desire. The thought that goes through my head, however, is “It would be a particularly terrible shame if that delicious set of breasts were damaged in an accident.”

IN SUMMARY: With a little bit of effort, the entire innate male cluster of breast-obsessed thinking patterns can be exploited to have some (albeit very trivial) positive effects.

REMINDER: I don't really think this way all the time, and my other stories are much more balanced and thoughtful. (I was going to say “well-rounded” but that would have gotten me started again…) Finally, warm thanks to my volunteer editor, AsylumSeeker.

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